No, that is not the sound of the doors to the curio closet. They are well-oiled and swing smoothly and silently open; what you hear is the grating of aging and tired joints as they attempt to perform the function for which they were designed. The light, though ... ah, the light.
Artfully recessed spots flatteringly illuminate each sparkling, shiny object. Crows observing this spectacle might be driven mad with indecision, knowing not which article is most deserving of being spirited away and ensconced in an occult location. You, however, are free to enjoy, and if you see an item that you have always secretly coveted, accept our apologies for viewing these treasures in a vastly different light.
Please accompany us now as we tour the wonderful world of ... of ... well, you'll see.
We begin with the simple cultural notion that certain items are ineluctably identified by a majority of people as being part of a matched set, never to be cloven in twain.
Perhaps it is your fondest desire that your bed linens and sleepwear ought match, just in case that special someone drops by to spend an enjoyable evening. What better way to demonstrate your unspoken wish for a continuing alliance than by sporting this stylish pattern -
Nothing indicates the epitome of togetherness more than trailers and lawn ornaments - specifically, the plastic flamingo - and your dear one will love you the more for this clear implication that you are uniquely suited to each other and that you were meant to spend eternity, in the minds of friends and family, as inextricably conjoined.
(Lest you think that we are in some way denigrating those who have chosen a mobile home as their domicile, please be advised that our home possesses wheels and a hitch.)
Speaking of hitches, that leads us directly to our next item - a true (made in China) American original.
Let us completely ignore the fact that hitch balls are situated behind the vehicle and much lower than eye level, totally obviating the notion that you could possibly view this while sitting in the front seat. It is much more likely that you will annoy and aggrieve the unfortunate who is luckless enough to be driving directly behind you, especially if you happen not to be towing anything that might obscure a clear view of this marvelous tchotchke.
In a similar vein (and from the same catalog) there are these items geared toward the dedicated sportsperson -
Our ursine friends eagerly anticipate the annual appearance of these unobtrusive and classy hunting blinds. Crafty bears have learned that not only do they reliably indicate an excellent source of food, they also ensure that the human prey stays warm and dry by providing protection from the elements and further, offer a means of storage for the bears' future feasting purposes.
Young hunters of the future require extensive training to guarantee that when the time comes, they will be fully prepared to meet the challenges that will come their way. An important part of their education consists of game recognition, so be sure to start them off right with this amazingly comprehensive collection -
And, as the young'uns inevitably tire of their "cute and cuddly" stuffed animals and feel the urge to go out and "kill somethin'", we present the perfect accompaniment -
With these dandy firearms, our armed and dangerous cherubs can begin their lessons in target practice, blowing their un'bear'ably adorable plushes away with gay abandon, learning to take lives with a minimum of suffering (fake blood not included.)
To wrap up this first part of our tour, we present a bauble that requires no further explication than the (we feel certain) unintentionally hilarious ad copy (on point, we have been rendered speechless by our contemplation of the item, and of anyone who finds it attractive) -
"He's jus' a good ol' boy, never meanin' no harm ..."
The non-sportspersonlike part 2 will be along shortly. Until then,
Bonnie and Walt