"Excuse Me, My Signage is Draining"

When we seek, for whatever reason, a solid dose of comic relief, we can do no better than to turn to the local television channel (aka the "drainage and signage" channel) that broadcasts the continuing follies of our town board legislative meetings and planning board sessions. We have been privileged to derive massive amounts of useful information from these extravaganzas, a few highlights of which we shall attempt to distill into coherent and cohesive form.

If you are or plan to become an owner of a commercial enterprise, or if you are a developer of a subdivision or mercantile establishment, these points invariably apply:

1. No sign can be large enough, bright enough, garish enough, obtrusive enough, and/or near enough to the public thoroughfare so as to best attract the attention of the paying public.

2. The water table, in whatever location, is never high enough to impede proper drainage from the property of unduly concerned homeowners, and limitless care shall be exerted in a determined effort to allay said homeowners' unfounded fears by selflessly installing holding ponds. Any worries that may arise from baseless notions that toddlers may wander into ponds and drown are to be vigorously disputed and refuted.

3. No amount of traffic is liable to obstruct or endanger, in any fashion, pedestrians, joggers, cyclists and other drivers, and all assertions to the contrary are misguided and ridiculous.

4. Homeowners' God-given right to view and thoroughly enjoy, without obstruction, the bucolic scenery the allure of which originally induced them to purchase their property, is nowhere enshrined within the town codes or the Constitution, and therefore may be at any time abrogated without appeal.

There are, we feel certain, more lessons to be learned from a thorough and careful study of these social and political gatherings, and as we ferret them out, we shall relay them.

Peace.