Attention, government officials of small towns across America! Is your local economy in the tank? Are you worrying about how to keep that last gas station and tavern open? Are the last hundred people in town packing to leave? Fret no more!
It's "Hoist-A-Small-Animal-Into-The-Air" Day! What better way to attract hordes of cash-waving tourists to your desperately poor region than by hauling some shy, hibernating creature from its comfy den and exposing it to the pitiless light of day? Punxsutawney did it; you can too!
Remember, hoist a small animal into the air today!
Oh, yes, don't forget to alert the major media, or you won't have the chance of frost in Hell.
Bonnie and Walt