Bonnie's Catalog Curio Closet - Special Edition

It's that time of the year again - the season when folks are filled with holiday cheer. Retailers, of course, are eager to augment those warm feelings, as people filled with cheer tend to spend more money. A few companies have discovered ways to maximize the experience, to wit -

Nothing says "fill 'er up" like this nifty little item. Top off your tank, and then hop in the car and head off to the gas station. Always assuming that you manage to make it there in one piece.

When the servants are all in bed and your bartender has gone to visit his kindly, doddering grandmum, who's going to do for you when you can't even stand, let alone navigate a straight line to the liquor cabinet? Never fear, this dandy item will solve all your difficulties. Now all you'll have to worry about is making it to the bathroom in time.

This is an astonishingly brilliant concept. Stolen from the venerated game Chutes and Ladders, this game board has only 36 squares, perfect for you and up to five of your drunken friends to amuse yourselves while suffering the loss of up to 75% of your brain cells. An added level of suspense may be experienced if a player's diminution of motor skills causes him to slam his tumbler down onto the glass board, shattering it into a myriad of sharp, almost invisible pieces. Hilarity will ensue as players attempt to locate and retrieve the shards without serious injury.

In the same vein, here is the tale of a really dumb criminal -

Please, kids, remember - don't drink and mow.

Peace.

Bonnie and Walt

'Tis the Season

Thank You.

Thank You for life. Thank You for health.

Thank You for family, good friends and neighbors.

Thank You for creatures to share our lives and plants to offer us beauty and sustenance.

Thank You for the circumstances that we enjoy, the country in which we live and the good people who share it.

Thank You so much.

May the Creator bless and keep you all.

Happy Thanksgiving and

Peace.

Bonnie and Walt

 

 

Killer News!

This will come as a shock to many people, but things are not always as they seem. The recent gaffe by News Corporation in regard to a certain book and television interview has been instrumental in bringing to light some new information that sheds a completely different light on two celebrity trials that, within recent memory, absorbed the nation. If it happened, here's how it happened:

"Say, Bob, I have this little problem that you might be able to help me with ..."

"Oh yeah, O.J.? What's that?"

"Whisper, whisper ..."

"Sure, O.J., I'll take a stab at it."

Some time later:

 

"O.J., remember that little matter I helped you with? Now I need your help."

"Sure, Bob, I'm always willing to help a friend. Whattaya need?"

"Whisper, whisper ..."

"You bet, Bob. I'll take a shot at it."

 

(Note: this is strictly satire. In no way are we imputing any guilt whatsoever.)

Peace.

Bonnie and Walt

Ironies

In perusing yesterday's online papers, we discovered a couple of things that bemused us. In reference to our previous post, this article gave us food for thought.

Iraq's neighbors appear to be assuring us that partition would be a very, very bad thing. Why? The Saudi ambassador to the U.S. claims that it would lead to ethnic cleansing. Excuse us, but isn't ethnic cleansing exactly what is occurring now? Shias and Sunnis are killing each other. Partition would alleviate or obviate that, to our way of thinking.

Syrian President Bashar Assad is worried about an "ethnic-religious break." Should we care overmuch for his opinion, particularly when he likely is aided by the status quo?

It is obvious to us whose oxen would be gored by partition. It seems to us that the Saudis and Syria would benefit from a weak Iraq. Should we cater to these people, when they have done little or nothing to help us build a democracy in Iraq?

We have found in this article, also, what seems to be heavy irony.

Albert Einstein first posited what physicists now call "dark energy," but rejected the concept when Edwin Hubble's research led to the theory of the Big Bang, which seemed to disprove Einstein's idea. How ironic, then, that the telescope named for Hubble has now proved Einstein's concept to be correct. A further irony is that the Hubble telescope keeps turning up new discoveries, even though it is constantly in danger of having its funding cancelled.

Tis a wondrous world in which we live (*sigh*.)

Peace.

Bonnie and Walt

A Castle in the Air

(Disclaimer: we are neither politicians, military strategists nor diplomats. That being said, we would like to offer a modest proposal for Iraq.)

Iraq is at present a divided country. Kurdistan in the north is relatively quiet and free of violence. The Kurds had for a long time hoped and planned for an area that they could call their own, and it seems that they now have it. If all of Iraq could follow their example, it is a good bet that most of the country’s problems would disappear.

Lacking the iron fist of a dictator to counteract rebellious tendencies, the two sectarian entities, Shiites and Sunnis, are now at each other’s throats, engaged in a de facto civil war. It is our opinion that a possible way to minimize violence is to physically separate the combatants, as was the case in the partition of Czechoslovakia. The division of geography and the relocation of the sects (especially followers of religious leaders such as Muqtada al-Sadr) into respective territories should present much less opportunity for the type of activity that now occurs - e.g., kidnappings, mass executions and car bombings - as it might be necessary to institute checkpoints and possibly a physical barrier between the territories.

When separation becomes a fact, the only remaining instigators of violence will be fanatic insurgents and terrorists, and their activities will likely be limited by the aforementioned barriers and checkpoints.

Once the partition into what we shall call Kurdistan, Shiastan and Sunnistan is accomplished, each territory could elect one or a number of representatives to an advisory body that would serve at the pleasure of the people, and could be analogous to our Congress, albeit a tripartite body. They could serve as the legislative body, and they could jointly select a president or prime minister who would be acceptable to all three factions. This would necessitate compromise, as no faction could be allowed to be underrepresented. As in our country, the executive would serve as the commander-in-chief of the future Iraqi army.

An important qualification must be that all three territories must be guaranteed equal shares of the production of oil, so that no faction can feel slighted. This should dissipate some of the worries that the Sunnis now feel, and would offer them a greater stake in a stable future.

If, to accomplish this goal, additional troops are required, we ought go to the United Nations and insist that UN peacekeepers be committed to the restoration of a united and peaceful Iraq. It is high time that our young American men and women not be expected to bear this burden largely alone.

We would like to see this proposal be considered as a possible solution. Certainly it will require modification to accommodate realities, but we think that it could provide a basic framework that might be acceptable.

Peace.

Bonnie and Walt

Presidential Follies

A long long time ago, during the days of Watergate, every so often a small publication would be issued featuring photographs with humorous captions. In that spirit, we have taken these photos and exercised a little artistic license. We have tried not to be mean-spirited, and we hope you understand that we are just having a bit of fun.

"Can you put it in terms that I can understand, Maxie?"

"'Big wind', Mr. President."

"Uh - gulags? Why would y'all ask?"

"Say, you're kind of a shrimp, ain'tcha? Heh heh heh."

"Dang! Laura told me to wear the red tie."

"What was that word again, darlin'?"

"Nu-cle-ar."

"Nope, don't think I know that one."

Peace.

Bonnie and Walt

 

 

Bonnie's Catalog Curio Closet Part 2 and Walt's Complaint Corner

One more holiday item - the text is unfortunately blurry, but here’s the wording from the catalog -

"This delightful ornament will be the ‘talk’ of the holiday party. 4" ball blinks its eyes, shouts at you and then plays "Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree."

It "blinks its eyes and shouts at you." Does anyone else find this unutterably creepy?

"Designed to replace kitchen string ..."

Why? Kitchen string is perfectly good and it’s inexpensive. It certainly doesn’t cost $2.50 per piece. This is simply uneconomical.

Here are a few items that I found to be of some slight interest -

One of our fondest dreams is to pay $4 for the privilege of following a naturalist around and staring at little piles of turkey shit. Ayup.

Here’s something else we want to spend our money on - moseying through a cemetery in the dark, staring at the graves of famous Rochestarians, followed by the scarfing down of refreshments. NOT.

A special East Rochester supplement - how to humiliate children and seniors.

 

 Nothing says you value your youngsters quite like bedizening them with reptiles and allowing them to be bitten on the nose.

 

A masterpiece of humiliation, to be preserved forever. First force the child to participate in an activity reeking of embarrassment, and then call forceful attention to his utter abasement.

As for the seniors -

 

Please, please, please, respect your seniors! You may be a senior someday!

These are, of course, captioned with tongue firmly in cheek; it's obvious that all involved participated joyously in their shameful humiliation.

And lastly, this -

"... a dish to pass plus their own place setting." Our question for the caseworker is, "Why should we go at all? We can get that at home."

And now it's time for Walt's Complaint Corner.

When we were young, toothbrushes consisted of a handle and bristles.

Razors consisted of a handle, a head, and a blade.

Air fresheners consisted of a jar of scented fluid, a metal framework and absorbent material.

Have you looked at the modern versions? They're electronic marvels, loaded with tiny chips and (I haven't done the research here, but I'm guessing) requiring massive amounts of batteries, and costing much more than we want to spend on such things. This is progress?

Good night and sweet dreams.

Peace.

 

Bonnie's Catalog Curio Closet Part 1

Here are a number of Hallowe’en leftovers that caught my attention, and a few pre-Christmas items:

This picture demonstrates why so many people think that dogs are stupid - they willingly allow themselves to be dressed in silly outfits. The dogs are actually humoring their owners in hopes that someday they will wise up.

WTF?

Ladies, if he can’t find it without this, it may be time to move on.

And now for those pre-Christmas specials that your kids won't be able to live without -

Britney Spears? Why would anyone want to smell like Britney Spears? The only person she could attract was K-Fed, and she’s dumping him!

An indoor helicopter. Now there’s a good idea. Think of the potential for humorous accidents.

Imagine - it's the evening of Christmas day - the kids are tucked in and sound asleep, and you and hubby want some ‘together time.’ In your anticipation, you forget to lock the bedroom door. As you settle in together, you hear an odd whirring sound -

Who thought THIS was a good idea?

There are also 2 other "Spy Gear" items, a digital spy camera and an Eye-Link Communicator with wrist keypads and headsets. Do we really want our 8-year olds turning into NSA bait?

The next two items fall into the category ‘small furry pet nightmares.’

If you own mice, hamsters, gerbils or guinea pigs (possibly even ferrets - hi, Lori), you may wish to forgo purchasing these items.

If one were to purchase this item, one might discover that this is not the only ass in the vicinity.

Part 2 to follow.

Peace.

Random Thoughts and a Plea

Now, this day, you want each other. Someday, you will need each other.

Religion, practiced inclusively, unites people. Practiced exclusively, it divides people.

Much has been written about what constitutes support for "the troops." We do not much care for the rubric, it seems too impersonal. We prefer to say "our young American men and women." These newly-minted adults, many not long out of high school or college, are people we know - children and grandchildren, relatives, friends, or neighbors - youngsters whom we have watched grow up and mature, who have decided to demonstrate their patriotism and love of their country by joining the Armed Services.

There is naught but nobility in the mission our young people signed up for when they joined the Armed Forces - serving our country and undertaking the task of protecting it from harm. There is not, cannot be, any denial or denigration of that high purpose. Our young people understand going in that they are training for the dangerous business of war, and they willingly offer their physical and mental capabilities to their country in return for the fierce pride that they feel and the privileges that they receive, in the brightest spirit of selflessness. We who cannot serve as they do owe these young warriors the very best that we can offer them.

Our service members, our young American men and women, deserve the best training, the best equipment, the best of medical services, the best supportive services for the families that they leave behind and remuneration at the very least sufficient to their needs. They also deserve from us the very best leadership, military and civilian, that we the voters, their relatives, neighbors and friends, can give them.

One more thing that we think we owe them for their selfless service is to keep from unnecessarily placing them in harm’s way, only sending them to war when there is absolutely no other way to accomplish a worthy goal, and only then in defense of our country. We do not think it is worthy of us to require them to precipitate a war.

Tuesday is the day that we are privileged to exercise our democratic rights and responsibilities. Please go to the polls and vote, and as you do, spare a moment to think of our young American men and women, those who are fighting and dying on foreign soil, and vote in a fashion that respects their sacrifices. Demonstrate to them through your vote that we respect them and care for them, and want them to stay alive.

www.icasualties.org

Peace.

Bonnie and Walt